After an exhausting year, time and time again I catch myself fighting myself, my husband, my son, church gatherings, strangers, drivers, many others, and sadly, my faith. I have learned that I fall somewhere between extroverted and introverted. I love loving on people, giving, doing, sitting with, chatting, and listening to people, but I have seasons where I just want to be trapped within the confines of my house, I have to hide away and just craft. Or read. Or veg out on nothingness. But in the loneliest moments, the Lord keeps gently reminding me that I am not alone on this walk. That He sees my pain, my past, my struggles and my future. And in the most perfect warmth, meets and comforts me wherever I am. He has placed specific people in my path, and I in theirs. We are given so many opportunities to love each other, to do for each other, and simply be near for each other. I recently found myself struggling with being weak, building a higher, thicker wall, thinking it’s out of strength that I defend myself, but no. I’ve just been hiding from the brokenness. I admit, I can’t carry the burden alone anymore.
And now I stop.
And I’m still.
I have a brief moment of blissful clarity. And I say a prayer. “Lord, please, meet me here. You know my heart, my desires, my doubts, my loves, my disappointments. Forgive me for not loving you better, forgive me for not always trusting your plan or trying to see what you are showing me. Father, please, please, my heart is heavy, will you ease this ache? Let me rest in the warmth of your infinite, genuine love. Let me lay at your feet, my brokenness exposed and ugly. Please put me together again. I love you Lord Jesus. Amen.”
If you are feeling weak because life has been tough, be weak. You do not have to keep holding the wall up on your own. Let it fall. Cry. Pray. Take a break. Call someone. Take a nap. Pray. Delegate chores to someone else. Leave it undone. But just step away. And remember you aren’t alone. Pray.